A Work in Progress

Angry, angry dreams
I finally linked my nightmares to Valium. It seems, the night *after* I had taken Valium to sleep, I have vivid, disturbing nightmares. It almost negates Valium as a sleep aid. Not even sure it's "almost." I wake up full of anger, mostly centering around my mom and sister (and to some degree, her husband and kids).

I only really remember two things from this morning's drama: I was living in my mom's house, for some unfathomable reason, and noticed she had opened my bedroom door, which I had closed. When I told her I wanted my door closed, she said "I don't like closed doors." Symbolic, or what?

Then my sister comes over. Oh joy. At one point she's addressing my mom in a soft voice, calling her "mommy." I remarked "Oh how sweet, how cute, and how FAKE!" It has always irked me that she's a "peace-loving Libra" - heh.

I remember the first time I saw her at her job (sells women's fragrances at Macy's), and was appalled to hear her calling old ladies "hon." I think I even mentioned it to her and she said "They like it." That's her, in a nutshell. Doesn't matter that what she says is insincere or doesn't mean anything - they like it, so... whatever it takes to cajole people.

Oh yeah - another remark I recall from the dream... As she was leaving, I said "And say hi to your two brats."

Anyway, I might try Adavan next time I can't sleep, but I don't see why its action should be any different, since it's so closely related to Valium (diazapam - sp?). It seems to stop REM sleep, so the next night or two, your brain tries to "catch up" by going through more REM sleep - and REM sleep is what happens when you're dreaming. A real catch-22.

Yesterday was "fun." I went to the casino to escape here, and even though I don't feel really well, I settled in on a blackjack table, and was just getting into it, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Ivy.

I never mentioned Ivy here, I realize.

I met her some 7 years ago, in Harrah's card room at Ak-Chin. I noticed her because she was loud and always seemed to be rushing around. That was the impression. She played stud, which I did, too, at that time, but for some reason we never ended up on the same table. We did, however, sometimes play the same table in the Thursday night tournaments.

One day we just started talking, and she mentioned that she got two free steak dinners at Harrah's steakhouse - would I like to eat there with her?

At that time I lived in a very small apartment on Mill Ave. in Tempe - and Ivy lived in Gilbert - about 25 minutes east. My view of her then was that she was funny, friendly, energetic, strong (physically) - and an aggressive card player. We became pretty fast friends, though in my usual manner, I seem to let people get closer than they actually do, until I know them a long time.

When I bought the house on Bogle in Chandler, Ivy was the one that helped me clean up the apartment, so that I got most of my security deposit back. I really appreciated that, as my lungs, even then, didn't allow me to do a lot of lifting, carrying, or scrubbing. I remember her wondering where my family was, as I was moving both myself and my mom into the Bogle house. This is the question and "tone" I recall: "What kind of family do you have, anyway?" I told her I was used to it. That we've never been close, and it never occurred to me to expect help from any of them. She was amazed at that. It hadn't crossed my mind to expect or to wonder about any of it. To me it was "normal." Every man for himself, kinda thing. I even recall a long period of time where there was no contact between my sister and I, her living in Phoenix and me in the Chicago area. And once a womanfriend asked me if I had any siblings. "No" slipped out really fast, then a hurried "Oh yes - I have a sister who lives in Phoenix." But it was then that I realized how distant we really were. It seems my whole life centered around trying to pull closer to family, and at one point I just gave up.

And it was around the time I gave up that Sandy would come every year, with Cindy, to visit for a week or so.

Anyway, that's way off the track of what I was getting to - which was my visit to the casino last night...

Having had a horrible day here with Ran, I was escaping. Now, I know better - there is no escape. But all I wanted was to mindlessly sit there, and watch the cards fall. Instead, Ivy taps me on the shoulder. I hadn't heard from her in two days, and certainly didn't expect to see her there. She says she's been there for 36 hours - had not been home at all - and was in trouble. She had written checks (two, I think she said) to the casino, that would bounce if she didn't find some way to deposit money into her account.

Now, I've been trying really, really hard to make the little bit I got from the sale of the house grow. I've been pretty careful, myself, not to lose any until I buy somewhere to live. But she asked if I'd give her a loan. The most I've ever loaned to her or anyone was 300.00, and she already owes me 150.00 (told her I'm in no hurry to get paid back). She was asking for 1800.00, and wasn't sure when she could pay it back. I said that I asked Bruce, my broker, to keep the money away from me. The only way I can get any is to call him, and he's to talk me out of everything except buying property. Incredulously, Ivy turns to me and says "Well, this is a little bit different." And I thought "Yes it is - instead of me losing it, you lost it for me - yes, that's different." It was a mild guilt trip. She kept calling herself "stupid," as is her way of making me feel sorry for her. With all that's been going on - Brian and I are talking again, having trouble being in such a small house with Ran, etc. - the last thing I need is a friend laying guilt trips because I won't/can't bail them out. I don't *want* to have to worry about that amount of money, and besides that - would I really be doing her a favour?? Has giving/loaning money to someone with a gambling problem ever really helped? Isn't it similar to giving alcohol to an alcoholic? And, I just plain can't afford it. I need to find someplace to BE - this sure isn't it. Hell, the places I'm interested in, the land only costs 2k/acre. Ivy is asking me to give her one of the acres! At least that's how my mind sees it.

So, I probably lost a friend - though I do wonder what kind of friend would put me in this guilt-tripping position. I mean, I *can* get the money, but it would hurt me to do so. And why should anyone who cares about me ask me to hurt myself to feed their habit - or to rescue them from continued, constant mistakes? To me, is no different than an alcoholic or drug addict. And though I love Ivy, I really dislike it when people lose control. I hate the "need to have it" mentality. And just plain shit - I've had to deal with it all my life. When do I get a break from the desperate minds that seem to gravitate to me?

And, I have to admit - this figures in here, too: Ivy couldn't be bothered when I was suicidal. What I heard from her was: "I can't stop you if you're going to do it." I *almost* said that about her gambling, but I can't seem to hurt people like they hurt me. I can write it here, but I can't actually say it, you know? I wanted to scream "And where the FUCK were you? Huh? Where was everyone??"

And that anger lives within, and is hurting me. I keep thinking that I just have to keep "how people are" in mind, yet not let it affect me so much. I need to learn to "go with the flow" but not let it *really* carry me away. Brian says that's just not in my makeup, and he could very well be right. I'm so damned jealous of people who are that way. If I had to summarize what my life's been about, that's easy - it's been about loss. Plain and simple. About desire and attachment and remembering that behind everything is loss.

I "wrote off" a whole list of people and ideas (and ideals) during the latest crisis, including my illusions about "family." Accepting loss is very difficult for me. The only one I wanted to write off, but didn't, was Ivy - mostly because I know she has a heart of gold. But there is a fatal flaw, and I think it's going to do whatever friendship we had, in. Guilt trips and me don't go together very well. I grew up with a mom who had the "gift of guilt" and could lay "the mother of all guilt trips." I learned to resent them, instead of just falling in line. They still "work," but I'm much more likely to snap out of it with a good deal of resentment left over, rather than cave into them. It took me years to realize that. It took many, many years to realize that guilt plays no part in love - and so the one trying to make you feel guilt doesn't love you. They want control. They want their "way." And that's all. You become a way for them to stop hurting, and that's all. Has nothing to do with you, yourself, but only of what "use" you are. Mind you, people use each other - I think it's normal and not necessarily wrong. I don't mean it that way. I mean it's difficult because people in pain, naturally, have as priority getting it to stop, by whatever means necessary. And I can overlook a lot of things. I'm in touch with what it is to be human. I know how weak we are. I know how self-oriented we are. I have been there, many times. But it just so happens that guilt is one of my triggers, from lots of past experience with being controlled by it.

I'll never forget one day when I cried in front of my mom while she was laying a guilt trip. And this is what she said "You're crying because you know you're guilty." I went immediately from hurt to on-fire anger, and I said "No, I'm crying because I don't understand how you could have done this to your own kids, you moron!" I really said that. And got the predictable, usual response: "You should be ashamed of yourself to talk to your mother that way!" - in other words, yet another attempted guilt trip. That's when you finally throw up your hands and see just how hopeless it is. I grew tired of dodging bullets. Have had a lifetime of it, and have been "shot at" by the master. No one could ever do a better job than she did. They're all amateurs.

So - that's where I'm at. I think I lost another friend, who I think was real, but I have these "things" colouring it - like not being there when I really needed someone to be there, and like laying guilt trips ("Well, this is different [because it involved ME and I'M in trouble now and you SHOULD DO SOMETHING because you're my FRIEND!"]) Bah, humbug.

Until next gripe...

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